Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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