Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
