Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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