...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
