anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
