i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
