Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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