All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Randomize
