Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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