do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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