I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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