sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
