I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
