I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
