Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
