Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i dont even know how to be here
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
