You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
