i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
