i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
