He disabled his match.com account in front of me
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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