he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
