beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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