Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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