Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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