my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
