A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
