you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
