And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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