My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
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