i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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