You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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