Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
