i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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