Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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