just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
