I think my vagina is haunted
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I know her cup size but not her name....
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