she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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