if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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