We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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