That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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