How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
