So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
