the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
