I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
