I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
this just has baby written all over it
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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