Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
