when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
