when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
