So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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