I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
