pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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