At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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