dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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