Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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