You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
